Iar am tendita sa povestesc cum m-am perpelit toata noaptea in pat, ezitand intre a ma ridica sa scriu si a sta la caldura celuilalt corp, care ma iubeste intermintent. Asaltata de fraze formate doar din cuvinte esentiale, lipsindu-le cuvinte de legatura, ca atunci cand citesti un text si nu ai nevoie si de vocalele din cuvinte ca se patrunzi intelesul lor. Ma gandeam eu asa, sa ma lamentez asupra (in)evolutiei mele, asupra problemelor mele cotidiene si a multitudinii de evenimente care ma coplesesc, pe care nu am timp sa le diger, raman suspendata in toate gandurile astea, cu degetele groase deasupra tastaturii... cui dracu-i pasa de toate ipotezele mele, nu mai zic de lamentarile comune si insipide... Eu nu sunt in stare sa o ascult cu interes nici macar pe mama, de ce ar face cineva asta pentru mine? Dar poate scriu pentru mine si nu e nevoie de un ochi sa iscodeasca prin lada asta, care o sa cada prada timpului si o sa aterizeze intr-un pod sau intr-o boxa, iar cand va fi deschisa se vor gasi acolo de toate, numai ca toate vor fi vechi si ieftine, poate chiar putrede, totul va fi aruncat, poate mai putin lada (care-i lada?). Si cum adica scriu pentru mine? Ce anume e pentru mine, faptul ca m-am ridicat din pat in loc sa ma ghemuiesc mai adanc in mijlocul patului, in pozitia aceea comoda, pe care nu am mai intalnit-o, desi am experienta patului si a somnului. Nu ajuta nici ca scriu, nici ca nu scriu, nici macar ca ma fortez sa transpun panarama asta intr-o insiruire de text pe care sa o inteleaga orice muritor, mai ales eu. Eu, care maine voi fi alta, mai proasta decat azi, fara nici un indiciu incotro m-a dus gandul ieri, incapabila sa mai gust placerile si temerile din trecut, consolandu-ma doar cu certitudinea ca am fost acolo (I've been there), sau macar partea mea fizica, comuna a noastra a fost partasa la ce s-a intamplat.


Totusi ca sa nu las lucrurile asa in aer, daca se osteneste careva sa parcurga poateca asta facuta de mine, poate merita si niste franturi din noptile mele active. Sunt ca un film prost, scormonesc intre daramaturile pe care singura mi le-am provocat, din cand in cand stau prostita in fata lor, intrebandu-ma daca se mai poate salva ceva, daca are rost sa ma irosesc printre ele. Poate mai bine merg sa construiescin alta parte, sa las totul prada timpului, dar daca mai e cineva acolo, care are noevoie de ajutor, care inca poate fi salvat. Ce prostie, chiar daca ar fi, dupa atata timp sigur nu mai traieste. Si daca plec, nu o sa stiu niciodata cine a fost, o veni oare altcineva in urma mea sa caute, vre-un flamand ce cauta prin gunoaie, caruia nu i-a mai ramas nimic din resturile vietii lui si cauta in resturile altuia?

A day at the office

I failed on the first post of this blog, which was about a day at the office. I couldn't live with it and I try to make it up. I consider to express myself through poetry (sometimes).

Life at the office

The entire day plays for an unknown cause, it vanishes away,
Seconds are trickling out of ours lives,
But we're happy that the time's up and "It's Friday!"

Right here and right now we're having this burning elevated discussion
And the very next moment we get really vulgar
Embracing each dirty joke with such passion.

We have the impression that each one's unique and special, that I see,
With his own dreams, attitude and personal life
But we all understand when it's said "Write in C!".

The main leaders, can barely be seen, but I guess that's the trend
Concerning the rest colleagues there's always one
Who gets closer to you and calls you "My friend!"

I would continue the story, about working, about me, about them
But I need to take the brake, the fifth for today
And write an email that invariant ends with

                                      "Best regards, M"


One should notice how pathetic the theme of the "poem" is. I ask for your kind understanding as this is my only reality. I shall attack more abstract topics in the future.

Regrets

I read yesterday that the thing about writing (and I would say about a lot of actions we do) isn't to keep in mind the idea, but to keep the state we are in when we first thing about it. (original in "Scrisori catre fiul meu", Gabriel Liiceanu)

I couldn't agree more. There were so many things in life I missed doing, just because I postponed it and I could never again find the mood for it.

Bottom line:
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."
- Sydney J. Harris

I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who agree with this quote and heard it hundreds of times and so few who really do something about it(don't take it to extreme).

Doar ochii vorbesc

It's friday, a good day for some, a less good day for others... another way to see how time flies and we get really excited about it. ENJOY!

Revelation

Take advantage of what you like, the way you enjoy it and under no circumstances adopt a common attitude. You might never have the same chance again.

When you like something just leave it the way it is, because you like it! There's no reason to change it to transform it, to make it "normal". Disgusting... never do that again!

Thank God I'm only talking about my curtains.

Check this out

Yet another weekend passed, way too fast and no event or action can make me get rid of the feeling that the time isn't on my side. There's an endless discussion on it, let's not make it longer (from aleph-null to cardinality of the continuum :) .
I guess it is expected to resume my experience I was talking in the previous post. I went to this club (for me it was the first time to go in Romania). The music was great, much better than what I had the chance to hear during the last attempts to party --- here I need help from others to describe it (you can have a sample though).



Being there I certainly had the impression that was not my world (anymore). I couldn't help thinking that those people (and I mainly have in mind the girls - good looking, I admit) were rather young and wasted than sexy and attractive. I found them incredibly superficial and I hoped, deep down inside, that they would get that wise layer that older people get it by default. Confusing... Maybe it was one of the first situations when I understood, how one can go against something just because he can't fit in.

I don't want to say much, I barely want to transmit anything. This has the purpose to remind me later how I felt. The older I get, the narrower the boundaries of my imagination become, the less I am ready to open my mind and my heart and eventually ............

I was also mentioning a photo session, check some out here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/antonmarius/PortretMihaela#5300717131274611938

and the ones I liked the most:

Eventful weekend?

What do people do during a weekend. Personally I sleep a lot, I study less, but I work harder (on cleaning up the house). What else? Reading, cooking, shopping, watching movies, meeting friends (though I try to do this during the weeks on evenings), visiting parents you name it. But this weekend is going to be different (I surely hope).
Tonight, meaning Friday evening I am suppose to go to a gay club, tomorrow I have a photo session with a colleague, and on Sunday, I planned to go out with the girls, instead I will have visitors. So it looks like I shall spend my weekend as a star, or at least as a trendy person (is it !@##!@?@... keine Ahnung).

More coming after....

Center of the Universe

Now why would one act as if the world spins around him/her as if he's the center of the it. And the most natural answer: Because he is. He is the origin for any system, whatever he knows, he does, he learns is related to him. When he tries to see another person's point of view, to objective analyze things, all he really does is to translate the origin to another point. This is rather complicated, if it's about a more complex figure to translate, so I guess this is why most of the people are selfish and egocentric. Another reason than not being able to "calculate" reporting to other systems, might be that for a long time one did not need to make any effort towards it as all(most of) the rest would change their focus on him (take the mother - child example, I love parents that suffocate and restrain their kids).

better than having one good project is to have two bad projects

No better ending to my national educational studies, than hearing the old professor telling me I was not suppose to pass (neither one of my classmates) , but he would give the minimum grade for passing as he can see that I invested a lot of effort in the project (he felt adding "As an ant") - ?!?#$@#?% NEVER before had I obtained such a remark for a mediocre work - usually people correctly assume(d) that I treated the task with minimum of interest. This master was a total waste of time, both for students and for the university representatives. One might imagine that the professors were rather poorly prepared or the students were idiots or all this happened during a war - none of this match the real situation. Groups were just not aiming to the same target nor did they share the view on how it should take place - this is a not a matter to discuss now, maybe some other time.

Among many things I have in mind when thinking about my behavior during high school and college related strictly to getting grades and passing exams, I can only mention some of them

__ Describing above, the last exam I realized that if some one had told me this in any other point while attending school I would have answered that he should spare me of such details, after all it was his decision only. There even were great chances to ask for a lower grade myself, proving he should not(always) encourage this - like giving a positive feedback for a less good done job. One should not imagine I was a symbol of justice, times when hating a lecture and everything related to it, I was waiting breathlessly for a resolution were numerous. But most of the times I would act straight, avoiding no conflict that could raise.

I can't help myself thinking about the situations where a teacher would tell me "It's not perfect, this is not worth 10(ten) but to encourage you for the future I shall give you the 10 ". Those people probably never understood that I didn't care about the grade, I cared about what they thought, and if the paper wasn't good enough, then it wasn't good enough. This was suppose to happen, I know, but it got me frustrated a lot (when back home I was congratulated, then I would freak out), it made me feel like owing something, and when owing you get the feeling that you work because you have to give back ... I always had that staring in the back of my mind... that I do things for anything else but for the self... maybe this keeps me going... still frustrating.

__Never had I wanted repeat an exam to get a better mark. Once it passed I couldn't at least picture I could change it. It had to represent something else to get trapped in.
(It actually can be projected in my life - I think it is only the first time that matters and I hate the games where the character has more lives... if I am granted another life, it (I) would make this less interesting, if I know I have a second chance, I wouldn't give the best out of me at once from the beginning and being experienced may mean you're doing a thing for a long time and it sounds terribly boring. Poor me, only finding excuses for myself. When every one else languishes for a next time to make it better, I loose all the interest for it (apart from me the thought than my attitude is the right one)

__Studying process becomes 500% times more efficient if I explain to someone (as in other REAL persons who are interested about the subject - not to myself nor to the Teddy Bear)

__Being totally involved in many other matters of live and trying to fake the activities of a student - this is what it is a FAKE...

Somewhere far in the future I am sure I'll try to repeat all these and I don't want to baggy anything... that's what I think NOW - we'll see what tomorrow brings.

About the title ... I won't say much, I won't say anything. (clue: Petro)